Dear Unexpected Holiday,
Ah. The unexpected gift of a lifelike artistic rendering of a man’s, ah, manhood. I often find myself having to explain this particular item to women, because indeed, it does not make sense to non-men.
Imagine that you have a cat. (You do have a cat, do you not?) Your cat loves you, in the limited fashion that felines can do such things. The way your cat expresses its love is often to leave you treats—the choicest bits of the mouse, the occasional pile of bird-feathers.
"Look," the cat says, "here is this wonderful thing that I had, and I love you so much that I want to share it with you. I do not believe you have mouse kidneys, do you? Perfect!" Your feelings on receiving such a gift are not relevant to the cat; cats do not love with empathy. They love with selfishness.
This gift follows along much the same lines. “Look,” the man is saying. “I may not have much of a brain or a talent for poetry, but there is one thing about me that I am sure is good, and I am fairly certain that you do not currently have one of these. Allow me to share mine with you.”
What is the proper response to such a gift? Well, the same as it is with cats. If you love the cat in question—or even hold it in mild affection—you pat it gently on the head and toss the offering out with the trash when the cat isn’t looking.
If you don’t like the cat, however, you need not feel so limited. Screaming, throwing things, and picking the absurd feline up by the scruff of the neck and tossing it out in the cold are all reasonable responses.
A Man Who Feels No Need to Prove His Manliness