OMG so I just almost had a heart attack.
The BFF and I were talking about this video in which Nev Schulman promotes the Turtle Conservancy by flirting with a turtle. This led to our realization that he needs to go on Martha Stewart’s show.
ME: [wonders if this has maybe already happened and I missed it, given that it’s such a natural fit] [googles “nev schulman” “martha stewart”]
The first result is this image:
[image description: a tweet from Nev saying “I finally broke down and did it. I shaved my chest today.”]
I immediately freaked out. THIS IS FAKE! THIS HAS TO BE FAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING? THIS IS A TRAGEDY AND A TRAVESTY AND PROBABLY IT’S PHOTOSHOPPED! BUT WHAT IF IT’S REAL????? WHAT IF?
I share my terror with Sonia. There is a pause. For some reason I don’t think to check the date on the Jezebel article the tweet is pulled from. Instead I go to Nev’s twitter and scroll through in a panic. His tweets are so cute! His chest hair is so beautiful!
SONIA: it’s a real tweet BUT IT’S FROM APRIL 1st. it’s an april fools day joke
My relief was intense, let me tell you. As Sonia also said, “fucking pranks.”
[image description: Steve Rogers on a highway in Monument Valley on his motorcycle, which has sprouted a sidecar. Thor sits in it wearing goggles.]
So varlandgear and I were talking about how much Thor would like to hit the open road and how relaxing it would be for him to just get away. (And how he and Loki probably both used to fantasize a lot about running away from home when they were kids. Like, Thor imagined going somewhere and settling down in a cabin where no one knew who he was and being a simple boatbuilder or something, and Loki liked to imagine life on the open road, never stopping too long, telling a story or a song for coin, stealing pies off windowsills and laundry off clotheslines but by the time the good wife leaned out her window and said “Where’s my pie?” he’d already be a memory.) And we already like to think about Steve Seeing America, so it was just a hop skip and a jump to…this. Varlandgear photoshopped it for me because she is very kind and talented and I begged her to.
They both love the Grand Canyon and the Majesty Of Nature generally. Steve takes Thor to a lot of art museums. It’s great.
THE BFF: [rants about how the idea of Bigfoot makes no sense (it came up)]
ME: I saw Christmas cards today with Yoda on them.
THE BFF: But Yoda doesn’t celebrate Christmas!
ME: I KNOW. That reminds me, my coworker hates that line where Han Solo is like “Then I’ll see you in hell!” because in the Star Wars universe there wouldn’t be a concept of hell. I’m torn because I’m totally with him on that, but also, Harrison Ford’s delivery is so good.
THE BFF: Harrison Ford is a miracle.
THE BFF: You know what, maybe there is a Bigfoot, because it’s not any more implausible than the existence of Harrison Ford, which is confirmed.
I already posted excitedly about my beloved new terrifying “Know What I Like About You EVERYTHING” statue but look what my best friend found and bought for me an equally glorious/terrifying “I Love You This Much” one!! THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY. WHAT LITTLE CREEPY WEIRDOS.
The company that made them is “W & R Berries” and wow I’m concerned/excited that i’m going to end up with like a million of these because I have found so many equally incredible ones for sale online. Like look at this and this and THIS. And that’s just scratching the surface.
Yeah. We’re collecting demon children now. I don’t even know, I love them, they’re SO WEIRD. Their eyes are flat windows into another world! They just want to love you!
we were talking a bunch about werepeople last night or as i like to call them reverse-werewolves. but really it makes more sense to call them werepeople. so do that. but know i’m THINKING reverse werewolf when i say wereperson.
Ok so they’re wolves right, who are humans three days out of the year. Pretty straightforward. probably included a hilarious scene at the beginning of a wolf getting bit by a person. who knows.
And so you take the werewolf trope of a person waking up in the morning like in the forest all dirty and naked and stuff and like WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT but instead it’s a WOLF waking up like in a hat next to a briefcase or something like WHAT DID I DO ALL DAY. Like hastiy burying a pair of pants so nobody finds out that he’s a MONSTER.
And then we were thinking ok well what does the wereperson do all day. what’s a terrifying human… OH IT’S LIKE A WALL STREET GUY. just acting on his wereperson instincts, not aware of his true wolf nature. you know all the other people at the wall street are like who is this incredible trader (?) who shows up rocking the fuck out of stocks and shit but only three days a month. WHY DON’T WE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM HE’S SO MYSTERIOUS.
MEANWHILE the wolves are like something really dangerous has happened to this wolf, it could be bad for all of us. we’ve got to kill him for the good of us all. but his best wolf friend is like NO HE’S ONE OF US WE HAVE TO BE UNDERSTNADING. And all the wolves are like no we have to get him and we have to get him when he’s human. but the friend wolf runs ahead to try and warn him and like runs onto the trading floor and everyone’s like WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THERE A WOLF HERE. and our wereperson is like oh no a wolf… but also.. a strange sense of recognition. what’s going on. and his wolf friend is trying to warn him and then suddenly the security guard is like i have to shoot this wolf and the wereperson just whips his head around and GROWLS. and suddenly it’s like whoa I KNOW WHO I AM!?
and then they run off and the last scene is like some variation of like you know when a werewolf is like i have accepted that i am both person and wolf and now i’m a person but i’m running through the forest or whatever. it’s like… the wereperson as a wolf curling up in his cave on like a nice suit or something. knowing that when the change comes he’ll be ready.
wereperson the movie.
God I can’t stop laughing. I also like to imagine the final scene as like, a bunch of werepeople who have found each other (they call themselves a support group, people keep wanting to call them a pack but it makes them uncomfortable) doing human stuff together, like going for sushi or playing raquetball. But in a way that indicates they’ve accepted themselves and feels really meaningful. BUT a shot of a wolf with a rolling rack of human clothes and he’s like, sniffing them and nodding happily to himself, would also be great.
Or maybe he could quit being a Wall Street guy and get a job working for Greenpeace?
I just like to imagine a wolf looking at like, a record of a hostile takeover, and he has no recollection of where it came from, and he’s like WHAT HAVE I DONE?
The BFF, Magneto, and I about to go to an Avengers-themed Purim spiel.
"Where’s the Girl," Chauvelin’s song from The Scarlet Pimpernel.
This song always makes me think of Magneto and Professor X. And then the BFF made this graphic for me!!!
It’s hilarious but also it gives me a lot of FEEEEELINGS. Like so many things, really.
The BFF and I at teatotally’s steampunk birthday party!